What if...

Bagaimana bila aku tidak dilahirkan di keluargaku saat ini?
Bagaimana bila aku adalah orang keras kepala yang tidak mengakui keluarga?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak dilahirkan menjadi perempuan tapi laki2?
Bagaimana bila aku lebih menyukai perempuan daripada laki2?
Bagaimana bila aku punya ketakutan pada ketinggian dan manusia?
Bagaimana bila aku menjadi polisi dan bukannya pengajar?
Bagaimana bila aku lebih menyukai vanila daripada coklat?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak memiliki sahabat setia?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak menjadi sahabat setia?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak memiliki mimpi dan cita-cita?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak mengenal Tuhan?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak memiliki agama?
Bagaimana bila aku...bukan manusia?

Bagaimana bila ... aku berhenti bertanya 'what if..' dan bersyukur tentang aku saat ini.
Karena aku tidak ingin mengubah apapun juga.
Pain, anguish, fear, it's a part of life.
But, happiness, hope, joy, and love also part of life.
I have to pick with what i want to live my life.
Life is a struggle but also an adventure.
What if...

Gosh, it's a hot day

So Hot, dry, thirsty.
Wind, nothing exposed.
Sun, smiling without guilty.
Gosh, it's a hot day.
Yeah, it's been a while now that i felt extremely hot (in a weather kind of way). Not just at day time but also at night. One day i wake up in the morning and finding myself wet with sweat. I slept with fan point at my direction, but nothing positive happened (wind and cool air). I drank a lot of water but still in drought. I wore thin fabric clothes, but the sweat still running wild.
Gosh, it's a hot day.
I began to wonder whether the bear at north pole feeling the same? whether people in Siberia experiencing a day without fur clothes?or maybe the ice in north pole melting like crazy?
Is it global warming or a mere hot sunny season?
Is it me, who is whinning? or all Indonesian people felt the same?
Gosh, it's a hot day.

to be continued...

Out of Nowhere....

Lurking for something to ease my hangover.
Trully, last night shot was a waste of energy and consciousness.
Remembering nothing but bottles of imagination and desire. Remembering only about lights, starlights, moonlights, and colourful lights.
I have no clue about my whereabouts, i only remember about the smell. Light but poisoning, as if walking underground suburb, vapour of acid and old ruins of a town.
I scrub my head, to ease the pain, blood...red, thick, blood. I touched the liquid with tremendous horror. What's this?
Looked around, finding myself in a obscurity, dark, and alone. Walls, brick, dark and solid walls.
Pulling myself up, i noticed big scar on my knees. My trousers are completely torn apart in several places, my sleeves half torn and blackened with ashes or dust.
Where am i?
Holding the wall, i exercised my bleeding feet, i have to get up and get out. Now.
My eyes started to get used with the darkness, finally a bit of lights shone from the north side. Trampled and stumbled by the rocks inside the room, i fought to reach the light. Painful. Yes, trully painful. Agonizing and chocking.
The air was getting thicker with some fumes, bit like acid and cow's dung.
My chest was hurt and heavy, hard to breath...
The walls were cold and damp, covered with fungus and strange liquid. There were weird sounds echoed from behind my back. Having no intention of going back to the previous trap, i pushed myself forward.
Little bit more, i said to myself. The lights shone brighter and brighter. A bit of fresh air swayed my face. A fresh air, a bit of salty air.
I reach the end of the road. Bright light, clouds, birds. Finally.
But, i stopped.
You must be joking, i said. The trepidation elated me. My feet unable to hold my weight any longer. I fell to the ground. There were no way out. No such thing as a way out. The light fooled me.
The end of the road was the beginning of my doom. There is no other way. If i move forward, i will fall to the abyss, yes, vast, deep and rocky sea beneath me. If i return to the first spot, i will be killed, certainly. The frightening noise was heard again, closer and closer. My body was unable to move, i cried.
Help...help me.
The cracking sound...the frightening sound.

Help.....Help!!!!! My voice just echoed inside my head, nothing came out from my mouth. My whole body come to a halt. Can not move, can not breath. Am i dead? Suddenly....

"Here you go Mary. Your doll is good as new."
"Thank you Mr. Boddle. At least she will not move again."
"Yes, walking and talking doll is pretty scary. Bye bye Mary."
"Bye bye Mr. Boddle."

I realize who i am now.
I am not a human, not close to become a creature with flesh and blood.
I merely a porcelain- mix- plastic barbie wannabe.
I have a soul, captive in a solid immobile body, controlled by a string.
Fulfilling other being's desire toward me.
Can anyone hear me?
Hear my plea?
For freedom.....

Single, Available but no Discount.

Kalau dipikir-pikir sudah 2 tahun ini aku sendiri...single maksudnya. No romantic relationship or just a mere fling.
Orang-orang sering bertanya dan tidak percaya if i say that i am single.
Funny? confusing...
Some close friends said that guys afraid of me? for goodness sake what's that all about?!
Some friends said that i have too much high expectation, and guy (male species) look at me as a very high quality girl (in notorius way). They (the guy, i mean), see me as bright,beautiful,full of principles and strick girl. And they just backed off.
Sometimes i just want to say to them that i...Vidya...is just a normal human being, a girl, a sister, a daughter and a dreamer.
I am just a normal me. I wake up at 06.00 in the morning, i eat rice or sometimes bread for breakfast, i drink mineral water, i go to my office with my sister (and she drives), i eat rice for lunch, i eat rice for dinner (except for special occasion), i love reading books, i love watching Korean Drama, I like seeing cute and handsome guy, i like being with my family,...and the list goes on. What's the weird thing from that? i am normal.
About high expectation, where's the fault of dreaming for a person with certain criterias? i am not buying cat inside a sack. (Not comparing guy with cat of course).
About brain and brightness (i am not saying that i am the next Einstein), what's wrong with young girls or woman being smart, educated, love learning? Pleaseee.... this is the 21st century.
About being beautiful (depends on each person's perspective), thank you for the compliment. It's because God created me that way, what's to complaint about.
About full of principles, i think is normal for a girl to watch over herself, right?
About perfect...check the word 'perfect' in dictionary. For me someone who sees other person as perfect is complaining about him/herself.

Check my status --> single...lonely?while a lot of my friends getting married? Well, let me tell you a few secrets.

Right now, there is special someone that occupy my mind and heart(and he doesn't know), i smile everytime i see him or just think of him. I know his number but he doesn't know mine. It's so funny, like an old romantic Indonesian Movie or high school puppy love.
And...today i met him.
But, there is also someone that occupy my mind cause he rejected me with the sentence "You are so perfect." (helooooooooo?)
There is also someone that still occupy my mind cause the experiences with him never / haven't fade away, and we still contacted each other.Guess that means we're friends now.
There is also someone that occupy my space and time just because he forced it, with no reply. (poor on him)

And there is SPECIAL SOMEONE that occupy my future (which i cannot read yet), occupy my existence in a way that he completes me and likewise. He...i haven't know yet.Special someone that i am waiting for, looking for, praying for. He, i believe, knows God and loves God. He, maybe one of the guy listed above, or he maybe someone i never met before, he maybe a very close person to me...or a total stranger. But, we are meant for each other. I know that I am still waiting....for THE ONE.
The one that will not see me as beautiful, or perfect, or boring, or nerd, or stiff girl, or....(maybe he loves me because all of that?) I hope he sees me as who i am...just me, ordinary me. Someone that needed to be loved and loves in return. Someone that needs someone to talk too, to laugh with, to cry with, and just to be on her side.
Is it that difficult?

Lonely ? yes
(but i try to enjoy my loneliness and make the best of it)
Wanting? yes
(but i try to crave for chocolate sundae instead of a guy)
Desperate? No....not yet.
(that's until my biological clock start ticking)

Goodbye COP Squad - The Last Visit

Kemarin adalah hari terakhir aku di Plosolanang, Kediri. The last days i stayed together with the students from many countries. Entah kenapa perasaan ini bukannya tenang atau lega malah justru tidak nyaman, campursari antara kehilangan, senang, namun juga sedih. Tiga hari terakhir diisi dengan perpisahan mahasiswa dengan para warga, ada games 17an plus panjat pinang, lomba joget dan penyerahan perlengkapan voli untuk pemuda dusun. Hari minggu mahasiswa pamit secara pribadi dengan keluarga yang menjadi host parent selama di sana, berfoto bersama dan meminta maaf. Malam itu (3 Agustus 2008) untuk pertama kalinya aku melihat begitu banyak bintang di langit, bahkan terlalu banyak sampai menyilaukan mata. Langit gelap, minus lampu dan udara dingin menambah suasana jadi hening. Sepertinya bintang menyampaikan salam perpisahan untuk kami semua - mahasiswa yang menyaksikan terpana memandang ke langit (tidak melebih2kan lho).
Kami makan malam ala Korea. Mahasiswa Korea membakar ayam, membuat Takjuk (bubur ayam) dan menggoreng Kimchi. Makan malam terakhir itu benar2 membuat kesan buatku, karena aku ingin sekali mencoba masakan Korea, and their taste are great, Kimchi is now one of my favourite food.
Senin 4 Agustus 2008, mahasiswa berpamitan untuk terakhir kali. Tears from the students are shattered, smile are half smiled, and this chest felt very heavy, eventhough i have to maintain my calmness. Mahasiswa yang perempuan kembali ke posko bersama tas-tas terlebih dahulu karena mobil tidak muat, setelah itu mahasiswa laki-laki dijemput kemudian. Kami kembali ke Surabaya pukul 10 kurang menggunakan bus, tidak banyak yang berbicara entah karena lelah atau merasa sedih, atau justru tidak ada rasa apa-apa.
Aku pribadi merasa sangat terberkati dengan pengalaman - yang awalnya dipaksakan- ini. I have been blessed with new friends (walaupun aku tidak ke sana secara rutin), new experiences, and new understanding of other cultures. And, new understanding about myself.
Good bye COP squad, we'll meet again someday.
Annyonghi gaseyo.

Hectic Nu Day

Today is a hectic day, you can believe me.
My office packed with confused students asking questions. Well, somehow it's a normal state in this kind of day and schedule, the study plan registration. I know that this time is a crucial time for them cause their future somehow depend on it, mistake on one schedule or course, they can either late for graduation or no course at all. I wish i can do more to help them.

By the way, last week i went to Kediri once again to visit the COP students. Glad to see them again. I can see despite their different point of view and culture but they manage to cooperate. Little problems occurred of course, but i guess it's normal. I have seen the result of their work in several places, like the street signs. I also join their work in painting the school wall, even though i did poorly..hehehe. They told me that on Sunday, a day before my arrival, they went to Pohsarang, religious Catholic site in Kediri. They shown me the pictures, funny pictures. A student told me that they had to cramped 14 students in a car (Kijang or Panther), sitting in their friend'a lap was inevitable, but they enjoyed it very much. Little envy across my heart, cause they can go to a place where i want to go with a lot of friends. They also learn to sing Afgan's song Terima Kasih Cinta, when Bao (Korean student) sang the song i laughed widely, cause his tone was fortunately good, and the spelling was good also, but the way he sang it made me laugh.
Well, i'll continue the story of COP, after i go there for the last time.
Happy holiday tomorrow.

Eoso Eoseyo Plosolanang!

It's me again.
4 days have passed by since my leave to Kediri. And let me tell you that those days were great!
I arrived in the village 8 July 2008. The first day we (i and students from Indonesa, Korea, Japan, Hongkong and Netherland)done almost nothing actually.All students went to Head of the subvillage Plosolanang and introduced by him to some of the people in the village and we took the students to their homes. After that 4 student (and myself) drove to the head of The Village (Gambyok) house and introduced ourselves. Minimun English plus Tarzan language done pretty much of the conversation. I became the main translator.
The second day, we're gather around and show the Indonesian plans. And we went to surveyed the village. It's hot and dusty days, i can see the shock in their eyes about the weather and village condition but they manage not to exposed it and complain about it. The funny thing was, there's a crazy woman that followed us everywhere, the foreigners think she was pretty funny and treat her casually. The creepy part came when the crazy woman put out a knife and starting to peel a mango in front all of us. Everyone getting little bit scare and decide to stay away. Our first survey was to elementary and kindergarten school. The condition was dirty and lack of convinience.We've planned to renovate it, give some colors and pictures to it. And after that we went along the little river and the brink of the paddy fields. Despite the heat, everyone looked amazed.
When we returned to Pak Kepala Dusun house, tense rising in. The Indonesian Student's steps in planning were slow, and the Dutch think it's too slow. The Korean had a tight schedule that had to be performed, and we have to follow them also. The Hongkong and Japanese student had no fix plans, they just following the conversation. Actually the Dutch, with their quick wit managed to improve the speed of the planning.
The Third day, planning again and sending the proposal to the headquarters in the city. While 2 Indonesian student went to the city, the rest of the student watched the Posyandu service in Pak Kepala Dusun house, they're once again amazed with the process and condition. After that they have a free time, while the Indonesian fixed the proposal that was returned by the headquaters. At noon the Korean went to other village to perform their Music instrument , Samoyuri (if i'm not mistake in writing it) until 5 in the evening. At night the Dutch watch the Circumcision Event (Khitanan) that was held by one of the villagers.They think it's great experience and they felt honored by it.
The third night was a catastrophe. After a meeting (musyawarah) with the representatives of the village, all students went to their homes, except the Indonesian. Three students were sick. I think because of the harvest time air (polluted by the dust from paddy) and extreme weather (hot at noon and cold at night), almost all of them in my house. I, forced to act as their mother (gosh, and i even haven't got any boyfriend). Early in the morning (01.30 WIB) after i called them, people from headquarter arrived to check the sick students.
The fourth day, a free time day. Cause all plans have been agreed upon the day before.In the morning they all woke up almost late at noon cause they were tired and reviving from the sickness. At 11.00 they gathered around and play some games, funny games. I returned to Surabaya at 2 in the afternoon.
I believe i can leave them all in peace, cause they have known each other pretty well.
Well, one positive thing is i get to learn Korean language, straight from the natives. Joaheyo!

Annyonghaseyo...COP Squad

Hari ini adalah hari yang sangat melelahkan...so tiring..but SO MUCH FUN. Yup, hari ini aku dan rombongan mahasiswa COP (Community Outreach Program) menanam pohon di sepanjang stren kali daerah Gunungsari. Some experience!

Ceritanya, rombongan COP adalah gabungan mahasiswa Indonesia dan Asing (Jepang, Belanda, Korea Selatan, dan Hongkong) yang akan tinggal di beberapa dusun di Kediri dan melakukan KKN, di Petra istilahnya adalah COP. Sebelum mereka tinggal di sana, mereka terlebih dahulu mengikuti kegiatan Bakti Surabaya, ya itu tadi kegiatan penanaman pohon (di Gunungsari dan Medokan Semampir) dan membagi brosur tentang lingkungan hidup di beberapa jalan protokol.

Actually it's fun experience, despite the tremendous heat and dust we had to face. Me, perform as the Field Consellor, acompany one group in a certain village, mine is Plosolanang Village.

Today, because all the Field Counsellor (DPL) unable to come, i became the only DPL there. The consequences were, i have to help the organizer coordinate the foreigners, become a translator, and tour guide. Whoa...great experience.

Today, i learn a lot of things. I learn how to say Annyonghaseyo correctly, learning Japanese, Dutch, and more Javanese, because i have to speak with stren kali community hahahaha. I learn that i really love the experience, even though it's just the first time, the beginning of a very long period of time (one month). I learn how to behave in a manner of a counsellor, even though not all participants understand that i am one of the lecturing staff, hehehehehe kinda funny. After few of them learn that i am a teacher they began asking for forgiveness for their unpolite and rude behaviour. I just smile not thinking their act as rudeness. But how can i consider myself as a counsellor if their age are older than me (a lot of them). I just wish they can think of me as a friend.

Well, that's bits of my one day experience, i will tell u the follow up later after i return from Kediri.

Annhyongi gaseyo

Man Afraid of Rain, Why oh Why?

“Maaf, aku telat menjemputmu, tadi hujan di dekat rumah.”
“Maaf, kita tidak jadi pergi, tadi hujan di jalan.”
“Maaf, tadi sewaktu aku pergi hujan turun deras sekali, aku jadi nggak jemput kamu.”
“Maaf yang tadi nggak jemput kamu, daripada basah kuyup, dan kamu sakit…”
Pernahkah kita mendengar kata-kata seperti itu, keluar dari mulut laki-laki yang kita tunggu? Kalau menurut saya, sering. Sepertinya ada keterkaitan antara rasa takut laki-laki pada hujan dan menjadi basah. Aneh? Sangat.
Sejak berabad-abad silam, kaum Adam atau laki-laki dikenal sebagai sosok kuat, macho, tidak mudah menyerah. Bahkan laki-laki dikenal sebagai makhluk nomor satu, atau sebagai makhluk yang paling berakal, sementara perempuan sebagai makhluk nomor dua. Di peradaban lama, saat manusia masih mengandalkan mata pencaharian dari berburu dan nomaden, laki-laki adalah pemburu nomor satu dan pelindung kelompok. Perempuan diamankan di rumah untuk menghasilkan dan merawat anak, selain melakukan pekerjaan rumah tangga lainnya. Pada masa renaissance dan kejayaan Eropa, perempuan masih berada pada posisi subordinat. Perempuan yang memiliki kekayaan tertentu saja yang dapat bermimpi untuk memiliki pasangan yang terhormat. Coba saja tengok kisah perempuan dalam novel karangan Jane Austen, yang banyak bercerita tentang kehidupan kaum aristocrat dan bangsawan pada abad 18-19 masehi. Elisabeth Bennet, dalam kisah Pride and Pejudice, yang tinggal di keluarga yang tidak kaya tapi berkecukupan, harus melihat dan merasakan saudari-saudarinya ‘ditawarkan’ pada acara-acara tertentu untuk mendapatkan pasangan. Dirinya pun mengalami nasib serupa, meskipun akhirnya bisa menikah dengan laki-laki yang dia cintai, yang kebetulan memiliki kekayaan melimpah. A perfect Cinderella Story, every little girl’s dream, becoming a princess that saved by a prince from the evil dragon and witches.
Kemajuan yang mendera peradaban manusia, ternyata tidak membawa dampak positif yang signifikan bagi kaum perempuan, di luar dari pendidikan bagi kaum perempuan oleh R.A. Kartini, munculnya Megawati Soekarno Putri sebagai presiden perempuan pertama di Indonesia, dan banyak lagi cerita kemajuan yang dicapai perempuan. Di belahan bumi yang lain perempuan masih berada pada posisi subordinat, menilik kisah perempuan dalam novel non fiksi karangan Nawal El Sadawi membuka mata tentang kondisi perempuan di negara muslim – tidak menggeneralisasikan semua perempuan di banyak negara muslim – yang masih terikat dengan aturan laki-laki sebagai nomor satu. Banyak dari kaum perempuan yang menikah di usia muda, mengalami penyunatan dan penutupan labia hanya untuk memuaskan keinginan kaum laki-laki. Kaum perempuan di beberapa Negara Afrika juga mengalami nasib serupa, seperti yang pernah diceritakan dalam Oprah Winfrey Show beberapa waktu silam. Di Negara berpopulasi terbesar di dunia, China, aturan anak satu untuk setiap keluarga, ‘memaksa’ keluarga ‘menyingkirkan’ anak yang lain, lebih mudah bila anak yang dibuang adalah perempuan. Karena anak laki-laki adalah berharga. Di Korea, dimana neo-confucianisme adalah agama, perempuan adalah subordinat bagi laki-laki. Bila seorang perempuan menikah dengan laki-laki, dia akan terlepas sepenuhnya dari keluarganya. Itu hanya beberapa contoh dari ‘takdir’ perempuan sebagai kaum subordinat, yang sebenarnya diterima sebagai yang seharusnya oleh perempuan sendiri. Di luar dari posisi perempuan sebagai subordinat, di beberapa Negara atau budaya. Kita tetap harus melihat kemajuan yang dicapai oleh perempuan.
Sekarang beralih pada kaum laki-laki, yang selama ini dikenal sebagai makhluk ciptaan Tuhan nomor satu. Bahasa Inggris pun menamai manusia – human being – 'man’. Laki-laki telah dikenai peran sebagai pelindung, tameng bagi segala kesulitan hidup. Laki-laki tidak boleh menangis, laki-laki tidak boleh memiliki ketakutan terhadap suatu hal, dan tidak boleh memakai baju berwarna pink. Laki-laki adalah breadwinner keluarga, pencari nafkah, penerus nama keluarga atau marga. Laki-laki adalah pemimpin agama, pemimpin politik, presiden, dokter, pilot, sopir, pengusaha sukses, dan banyak lagi peran yang dikaitkan pada laki-laki. Bahkan di dunia militer, ada aturan yang mengharuskan laki-laki melindungi perempuan di tempat umum, seperti misalnya ketika naik tangga atau escalator di plaza yang ramai, seorang taruna harus berada di belakang si perempuan, melindungi. Mungkin kita bisa mendaftar peran dan perilaku yang identik dengan laki-laki lebih panjang lagi. Bila dipikir-pikir, laki-laki juga subordinat bagi peran-peran yang dilekatkan baginya. Apakah dia tidak boleh menangis di saat dia tertekan? Bisa gila tuh laki.
Kembali pada persoalan awal. Ada apa antara laki-laki dan hujan? Kenapa mereka yang begitu kuat bisa takut hujan dan menjadi basah? Bila kaum laki-laki ditanya, ada beberapa jawaban yang bisa terlontar.
“Lho, daripada basah waktu ketemu pacar, kan tidak lucu.” (ungkapan laki-laki yang harus tampil ganteng di depan pacarnya.)
“Kalau menjemput pacar dan kehujanan, kasihan dianya, bisa sakit.” (ungkapan laki-laki yang merasa kalau pacarnya harus dilindungi, karena kena hujan berarti penyakit.)
“Besoknya harus kerja atau kuliah, kalau sakit bisa berabe.” (ungkapan laki-laki yang memperhatikan masa depan dirinya)
“Kata mama, jangan hujan-hujanan, bisa sakit.” (ungkapan laki-laki yang sangat memperhatikan kekuatiran ibunya, alias anak mama.)
“Saya baru mencuci motor (atau mobil) saya, eman kalau kena hujan.” (ungkapan laki-laki yang mencintai propertinya dan hemat air.)
“Saya naik motor, kalau hujan deras dan maksa pergi, namanya bunuh diri. Kan jalannya nggak keliatan.” (ungkapan laki-laki yang punya motor dan terlalu banyak nonton film thriller, tapi cukup rasional)
“Saya baru dari salon, hujan berarti duit perawatan terbuang percuma dong.” (ungkapan cowok metroseksual yang naik motor dan hemat uang.)
“Kalau kena hujan, berarti basah.” (ungkapan laki-laki yang tidak nyambung dengan pertanyaannya. Menjawab dengan jawaban retoris.)
Masih ada 2,5 milyar jawaban berbeda dari laki-laki di muka bumi ini. Kesimpulannya?
Setiap laki-laki berbeda, jawaban yang diberikan mungkin pula berbeda. Kita tidak bisa menggeneralisasikan laki-laki berdasarkan jawaban yang mereka lontarkan di atas. Ada laki-laki yang memang peduli dengan kesehatan dan melindungi pacarnya dari hujan, yang menurut perubahan iklim saat ini mengandung zat asam yang berbahaya untuk kesehatan. Ada pula yang memang hanya mempedulikan dirinya sendiri, khususnya yang mengeluarkan uang banyak untuk perawatan dirinya. Ada juga laki-laki yang memang tidak suka menjadi basah, karena fobia terhadap air. Semua alasan bisa dan tidak bisa dipersalahkan.
Sekarang pertanyaannya adalah, bila menyangkut cinta, perasaan yang mengikat dua individu jadi satu, apakah ketakutan laki-laki terhadap hujan bisa dibenarkan? Ada yang bilang untuk menguji kadar perasaan cinta seorang laki-laki pada perempuan adalah dengan menyuruh laki-laki itu menjemput kekasihnya saat hujan turun. Maukah dia? Atau dia akan melontarkan seribu alasan, seperti tercantum di atas. Apakah laki-laki akan mendahulukan logika, seperti yang seharusnya dilakukan laki-laki, atau mendengarkan kata hatinya yang terikat pada perempuan itu? Apapun alasannya, hanya laki-laki yang bisa menjawab ketakutan atau keengganan mereka terhadap hujan. Perempuan di sisi lain juga bisa mempertanyakan kadar perasaan laki-laki terhadapnya ketika beberapa tetes air dari langit mencegah laki-laki tersebut menjadi pangeran berkuda putih dan menjemputnya ke tempat yang teduh. Bagaimana dengan pasanganmu?

p.s. tulisan ini bisa diperdebatkan, lha wong cuma uneg2 yang muncul tiba-tiba.
ada opini lain?boleh diungkapkan.

Too many sleep...

Hi, i'm back.

To tell the truth i've been a naughty girl lately. Lazy. The last 2 days, i've been unable to work properly. The first day i overslept, literally. I slept at 7 am and woke up at 11, working nonstop until 30 past 4 in the morning, than sleep again. The next day (yesterday) i slept at 30 past 6 at night and woke up 5 in the morning. So unproductive.

I feel so guilty in a way i cannot finish all my work on time, i wasted my time and done absolutely nothing.
From that i learn somethings:

1. I need to reset my work clock.

2. I have to spend my time wisely, leave all the crap work outside my juridiction, and do the things on my A list.

3. Rest enough, cause a girl sure need her beauty sleep.

4. Love life, cause all the wasted time will never coming back, i cannot save it, nor throw it away.

Retreat in Silence...a realization

Three days of silence...far away from work. I calm myself and seek God.
I realize that i have no clue about my life. I thought i knew it but now i doubt it.
I thought i was a smart and wise person, it turned out that i am a careless, sloppy, and bewildered individual.
I don't know what are the focus of my life. I don't know what He wants from me in my life.
Now, i have decide to do some things...i realize i have to plan my life, my future even though it's remain a mistery. I have to decide some things that are congenial with my existence.
1. Seek the focus of life.
2. Do i really want to work as an educator for the rest of my life? or moving to the 'money businness'?
3. If i remain as an educator, i have to seek my specialty. What are the main lesson i want to teach?because working with so many intelligent people bluring my perspective and leave me with unfocused sight. Life without focus is the same with living with other people's direction. I'm just a puppet. LEARNING A LOT!
4. Decide my life plan, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, and 40 years from now. One thing for sure, going abroad is one of my main steps.
5. Taking care of my finance, because i'm so careless that i cannot save one dime in my saving account, that ought to be changed.
6. Seeking and waiting for a soulmate, a husband. Someone who definitely can accept for who, what i am and who / what i will become.

My work days exhaust me in a way.
I confused, what happened to me?
Now i come to a realization, that...
I still confuse with my life,
with the 'it' thing that i pursue.
I have to decide what i will become,
even thought the future still misty and blur.
The future still a mistery,
but one can plan for a future,
in case the plan suited with Him.

Kungfu....Po!

A hilarious cartoon movie...or should i say animated movie has drawn my attention and laugh nerve system..literally. Yesterday night, together with a bunch of church friends, i watched Kungfu Panda. No high expectation, i sit down unprepared for what i will received. My nerve system has already became tense for a day activities, so i expect for a mere entertainment. It turned out that i laughed from the beginning until the end. If i could say, the creator of the movie is a genious! Combination of great animation, flexible muscle, and terrific artists as the dubber. Behind the great artwork i can see a lot of criticism and values from the creator:

1. It's okay to become fat. All your fat are incredible in absorbing other's power...and it's great blanket on winter plus great trampolin for you foe. Fat and big is the new thin.

2. It's a nature for someone who has great knowledge to become arrogant (like Tigress), and yet humility is the essence to a greater knowledge. As high as a mountain you can soaring up, eventually you will come down.

3. There is no secret ingredients, the only thing is a special self, ourselves. No matter what we are or what we become in the world, we have to think ourselves as unique individuals.

4. Think not about the past and future. Past is history, future is a mistery, TODAY IS A BLESSING that's way it called PRESENT (now/GIFT) -> Oogway's words.

5. Family are not always related by blood or species, like Po and his father. No duck can bring out Panda, that's out of the question. Yet sometimes that kind of relationship hold tighter than blood.

6. Carbs can give enough power to become a gymnastic athletes. Like Po who suddenly able to do a perfect split just because of Monkey's cookies preservation.

7. Duck's feather can become a great key to unlock any doors, even a cage for cruel prisoner.

8. Imagination can take you far away, if you do it along with a great effort.

9. Fans are the term for learning something deeply than anyone else. Like Po who are big fans of 5 warriors.

10. Teacher often smaller than the student...e.g. Shifu vs Tai Lung or Shifu vs Po or Yoda.

Basically, Kungfu Panda is ordinary in plot but great in artwork and expression of the characters. It's a good combination of Matrix Movie, Slapstick comedy, little bit Asian humour and the personification of Chinese Kungfu skills.

Love it.

Humanity?

What is humanity? Something that humans do? Something that the world see as good, pure, and valuable? When people talking about humanity while their surrounding crowded with pauper's tears, orphan's search of agreeable parents, workers stomped by their masters, and even teenage juvenile delinquency, which one is concerned with humanity or the nature of human?
For centuries human lived in chaotic, yet obscure world. Born, grow, old, and die are cycle of life. For centuries human search for heaven, salvation, easiness in life. Some succeed, some falling apart. Human evolve from nothingness, ill-mannered savage to high intellectual noble prize winners. Human cooperate, at one time, then parted by wars at other occasion, for mere justification of their presence.
Human found God, on some religions God found human. Still, human with their broad mind, yet sometimes tiny heart for care, seek other direction for peace that they think they can find it. Human seek far and wide in the world where horizon is their boundaries. Still, people search the filling of their life.
Human were designed as social persona, which means he/she able to feel, touch, see, smell, and hear other people presence, of course in exception of disable people. Human were designed to connect with their kind, to build relationship, to share views and living together. When they are alone, they're not human in the matter of social persona context. When their kinds are in despair and lack of ability to defend themselves in the hard and ambiguous world, what should human do? Standing still, watching, and think 'that's not my business!' or they can pull their sleeves, approach, and asking 'What can i do to help you?'.
Idealistic, romantic, and grand design of human character. Yet, some human, or that what they see from themselves, chose to be individualistic, self-centered, egoistic, and having a living-in-my-own-world-kind of attitude. Cunning, save-their-own-butt-view of life, and think they will live a hundred years of mere joy. Am i being sarcastic? Cynical? Perhaps. Cause sometimes, even a lot of times, i bear the same attitude and character of the individualistic persona. I am not a saint or Mother Theresa who dedicate her life for others. I am in the position of questioning myself, my being, my purpose in life, and what lesson does He gives me daily. Yes, i believe God has to do with anything that happened in my life.
Humanity, once again, is the same with insanity? Cause other times i see kindhearted, noble, and pure heart persons get scolded because he/she undoubtedly help other people who are in need. In the world where honesty, open mind, and clean thought are rare, people with conscience are sought. Weary human needs ears that will listen; burdened human needs pat on the back and words that say 'Life is beautiful, live it to the fullest. All your problem will be solved eventually. I will be here with you.'; poor people need shelter above their heads, yet warm smile and hugs are the best support.
Where are the humanity in the world right now? Have i done the human part of me toward other people, or am i still living in my comfort cocoon, not realizing that separation of me and other human means devastation for me?

The Moonface again

It's been a year now since i recovered from my blood disorder. Recover from my moonface and my sickness.
Yesterday (May 11th) it came back again.
My platelet count was 34,000, the normal measure is 150,000-400,000, down below.
Is it because i was preoccupied with my workloads?I don't know.
The symptoms are :
1. Exhaustion
2. Feeling dizzy, terrible headache.
3. Purple spot below the skin.
4. Gum or lip bleeding
5. Long period of menstruation.

Ketika aku merasa bahwa semuanya mulai membaik, bahwa periode di mana aku harus berhenti bergulat dengan kelainanku akhirnya datang, mendadak semua berubah.
I have to struggle again, feeling upset everytime my medication period over and my body aching badly.
The end of medication:
1. Round face and bloating like a fish.
2. A-hit-by-a-truck-feeling of my body.
3. Sleepless night (insomnia).
4. Soft skin and black soft hair.
5. Unable to concentrate and being the most stupid person in the world..

Sad yes, upset yes, but i have to be spirited again.
Been there and done that, apa salahnya berjuang sekali lagi. At least i have faith that there will be Sun in the end of my journey.
It's okay if this disorder comes back, but one thing i hope from God...THE STRENGHT to continue fighting and living, the spirit to continue dreaming for the future, the Faith that all of it happens for the best.
Carpe Diem!
(Conquest this Day!)

Morning dew... n wandering

Seminggu ini bener2 full dengan kegiatan.
Jumat sabtu minggu lalu (22-23 April) aku ikut ke Nongkojajar, mendampingi mahasiswa kuliah Etika Profesi, for this i can have score for community service. Selain kesibukan mempersiapkan materi dan mahasiswa yang lain teramat sangat menyenangkan. The view was incredibly great, beautiful. The weather at times can be so cold. Bener2 nikmat n menyenangkan. Berasa liburan, meskipun di hari pertama sibuk hubungi Surabaya ngurus kegiatan yang lain, if only i can split my body into 2 pieces...
Ketika aku lihat kondisi di sana yang sebenarnya kekurangan, aku menjadi sangat bersyukur atas segala fasilitas yang bisa aku nikmati di sini. I like it there, tapi untuk sekedar liburan. I know i am a city girl that cannot live long time in a village.
Tempat kami menginap adalah rumah Pak Yatiman, orang yang sangat taat dan pelayan Tuhan. He'd serve God for 21 years now, and still continue doing it. He's running a sort of bible or priest school where the pupils are youngsters are from all of Indonesia. Mereka tidak hanya dibekali pelajaran iman tapi juga ketrampilan sehari2 dan bahkan yang bisa dijadikan usaha. Mereka punya jam kebaktian atau doa khusus pada sore hari dan subuh.
With a fresh air and full of prayers surrounding, i felt that i can renew myself.

But today, i don't know why, i feel so depressed. Wanna cry and just close my eyes n not wake up anymore.
Aku tidak tahu apa yang terjadi denganku, feel so emotional n afraid.
Rasanya kepercayaan diriku turun 180 derajat. Hiks.

After a While...Confusion

Sesuatu menyentakku,sungguh.
Tiga hari aku ada di Pacet untuk ikut pelatihan dosen, not just a training, tapi juga brainwash activity...in a positive sense.
Sejak awal aku tidak sreg jadi dosen, keep asking is this the right thing? Apa ini jalan hidup yang harus aku tempuh?
Pelatihan itu membuatku berpikir, was i asking the wrong question all this time? am i really have to walk this path?
Menjadi dosen bener2 ga gampang,di pelatihan itu aku menyadari betapa tidak benarnya aku selama ini. Aku bener2 nggak ngerti apa artinya jadi dosen dan harus bagaimana.
Menjadi dosen adalah pengabdian dan panggilan (belum jelas buat aku).
Menjadi dosen tidaklah sekedar masuk kelas dan mengajar, tapi juga harus mempersiapkan bahan ajar dan pola mengajar yang sesuai dengan kompetensi (what on earth are those ?), plus menyiapkan hati untuk mengasihi mahasiswa yang (OMG) sometimes really irritates me.
Menjadi dosen artinya kehilangan little bit of freedom, because we have to study a lot, less having fun.
Menjadi dosen artinya MENJADI TELADAN, dalam perkataan, perbuatan bahkan pikiran.
Menjadi dosen artinya orang akan melihat kita dan menganggap apa yang kita lakukan adalah benar (yang salah akan jadi bumerang).
Menjadi dosen adalah tanggung jawab yang teramat besar, the future of youngster are in our hands.
Menjadi dosen adalah memasukkan nilai Kristiani dalam pengajaran (baru tahu harus gitu).
Menjadi dosen artinya...minimun payment... loads of work.
Intinya...aku masih shock dan bertanya, apa Tuhan tidak salah menempatkan aku di profesi ini?
Like Moses arguing God... right now i am in his position...
What do You want from me? I am still young, this resposibility is too much dan too big for me. I am not smart or genius...i still want to soaring high...
What and why God?

Bad Virus

I really had it today!

My laptop was attack by bad, naughty and abominable viruses. I cannot use my laptop without fear of trouble. I fixed it of course, but it's like a chain reaction...should reinstall the program, the audio was broken, the DVD rom broken, just a perfect day.

Not only electronic got into trouble. Human beings also.
My colleagues struck by bad cold, myself hasn't recover from my bad flu...just a perfect day.

Viruses sometimes come in handy for vaccine...yet troublesome for the healthy body.

Bad and naughty viruses...hiks.

Smile...tomorrow is weekend

Finally,it's weekend.
After a long week of business with students and examinations...finally i can have a time for myself just to relax, sleep and watch movies.
I can't say that i hate my job, in fact i love it in a way.
But, sometimes work can exhaust us and keep us apart from normal life. Real normal life when you can actually meet, talk, have a long conversations with people, and just think about your dreams and desires.
Yes, rest is a must.
Work is important part of human life...but rest is a must to balance our sanity or else.....?
Even God rest on the seventh day.
Yes, rest rest rest...on weekend.