19 July 2009

It's been six days, since my arrival in Perth. A lot of things had happened.

Monday, 13th of July. I got on the plane in Ngurah Rai Bali, i saw the blue ocean and wave, waving me goodbye. That time i cried a bit. Covered up my eyes with my hand. At 3.00 PM i saw the land of Australia. Amazingly flat...but something caught my eyes. The land, coloured in dark red, forming silhouette of trees. Yes, when i saw from the plane, the river or roads, shaped like giant trees with lots of branches. At almost 4.00 PM i saw green everywhere, i asked an Australian beside me whether it is Perth or not, she said 'maybe...i hope'. I think she missed her homeland very much.

I arrived at 4.00 PM in Perth Airport, welcomed by chill wind (it is winter here). I have to go through custom that inspect my luggage (put it on the XRays), and i ready to enter Perth. I was picked up by Naomi (my homestay owner). I put my luggage in her car, and we drove home. Very near from the Airport.

The next day, she took me touring the suburb and city of Perth. I live in Carlisle suburb, city of Perth is only 20 minutes by car from where i live. I visited the bank, the university, and back home. On Wednesday, i went to the consulate to report myself as an Indonesian citizen abroad. On Thursday, i visited Edith Cowan University with a friend of mine. It's a wow. 

Friday, we have orientation in ECU. I took some unit to enrolled in and got my Student ID. Everything is computerized and online. I can even change my class schedule through the internet.

Saturday, i visited a church friend whom had a birthday party. I met a lot of Indonesian people. All of them married to foreigners (Australian, German, etc.) I realized i have a lot of new friends. 

On Sunday, i went to the Riverview church. It felt wonderful to have God's word spoken in my ear, and singing praises to Him. From church, me, Naomi and James went to eat at Happy Meals (no, it's not McDonald branch), Chinese Restaurant. Great meals, yet high price too. 

Well, that's all for now. I want to tell you more, but the chill breeze make me sleepy.

Cu

Little Spidey and Its Web

Belakangan ini cuaca bener - bener tidak menentu. Kadang panas, kadang hujan, kadang panas mau hujan terus nggak jadi. Ehm, efek global warming atau ... aku yang nggak peka cuaca?
Anyway, this morning i saw a spider. Not just an ordinary spider. Tubuhnya besar, warna hitam dan kuning, a bit scary though karena aku melihat tubuh bagian bawahnya. Actually, I am not that fond with spider. But...
I saw something simple yet amazing, its web.
Biasanya jaring yang ditenun laba - laba berukuran besar dan berjarak lebar, tapi hari ini aku melihat jaringnya ditenun rapat dan rapi. Serapi kain tenun Sumba atau batik Jogja.
Call me weird, but somehow i'm amazed by its web.
I really stand there for a minute or two and stare.
The spider stood silence, with 'who the heck that human being?' kinda look.
For me, the spider taught me somethings.
- Makhluk yang kecil pun mampu membuat sesuatu yang indah, kuat dan bermanfaat (at least for itself). Bagaimana dengan kita?
- Sesuatu yang bertahan terhadap goncangan, gangguan, dan hambatan dari lingkungan akan bertahan seterusnya. It's all about process. That web can survive for sometime. Kalau kita rusak dengan tangan kita, jaring itu akan menempel dan kita sulit melepasnya. Only God knows the struggle of that spider.
- Humility is crucial in all situation. Little spider tells nothing with its mouth, but say a great deal with its work of art.

Hmm, what do you think?

3.000

3.000

Angka yang dulu sekedar angka buatku. Sekarang angka ini bermakna sesuatu.
Angka ini membuatku harus minum obat lagi, white, small, bitter tablets.
Angka ini merupakan penjelasan dari sakit kepalaku belakangan ini, kelelahan yang kurasakan dan kantuk yang tidak tertahankan, serta sesak di dadaku.
Angka ini menimbulkan tanda tanya...karena aku baru pulih dari kondisi yang sama seminggu lalu. Maka, kemunculan angka ini membuatku terhenyak dan bingung. Why? kata itu muncul karena memang aku bertanya.
Apakah ada kemungkinan salah? atau tertukar? pertanyaan itu tak pelak muncul di benakku. Namun aku tidak bisa menjawabnya.

Aku hanya bisa membayangkan apa yang akan terjadi dalam 1 minggu ke depan...
1. Nggak bisa tidur
2. Pandangan kabur
3. Nafsu makan yang tidak teratur
4. Wajah semakin bulat
5. Sakit seperti ditabrak truk
6. Jam - jam bodoh, di mana aku tidak bisa berpikir dengan jelas

Semua itu pernah ku alami, aku pikir tidak akan pernah lagi, namun....
aku mengalami lagi, rasa sakit yang sama, kebingungan yang ku pikir tidak akan terjadi lagi. Karena belakangan segala hal menjadi masuk akal bagiku, semua menjadi terang benderang, hampir semua terjadi sesuai yang kuperkirakan. Maka, ketika hal ini muncul aku menjadi bimbang, goyah, namun aku tidak bisa menangis...aku sudah coba... herannya aku merasa baik, ini sudah biasa. Aku meyakinkan diriku bahwa aku akan melaluinya dengan baik, lagi. Aku akan bertahan menghadapi tubuhku sendiri. Bukankah aku telah melakukannya selama 8 tahun ini?
Aku bertanya pada Tuhan, namun Dia memintaku menjawab sendiri, aku pikir begitu.
Aku bertanya pada Tuhan, namun yang saat ini aku dengar adalah doaku sendiri..."Bila hal ini adalah baik buatku, dan menjadikanku alat berkat Tuhan untuk orang lain...maka janganlah mengambilnya dariku" Salahkah doaku?
Saat aku mengimani pemulihan, hal itu masih terjadi.
Saat aku menganggapnya bagian hidupku, hal itu juga terjadi.
Saat aku berpasrah diri, hal itu masih juga terjadi.
Saat aku memberontak dariNya...tunggu dulu aku belum pernah memberontak dariNya tentang ini...haruskah aku melakukannya?
Duniaku bukanlah milikku, rencanaku seringkali bertentangan denganNya.
Apakah Dia membenciku? sebagai manusia rasanya tidak, jika ya, maka aku akan segera musnah.
Apakah Dia terlalu mencintaiku? sebagai manusia yang bodoh, aku pikir ya, cintanya teramat besar, megah dan tidak terukur, entah kapan habisnya. Sinisme? bukan, aku mengatakannya dari dalam hati dan pikiranku yang teramat kabur.
Proses, banyak yang mengatakan demikian. Aku sedang dalam proses, penempaan iman, bejana yang dibentuk oleh penjunan. Aku ingin sinis, ingin sarkastis, ingin teriak, ingin marah...tapi sisi lain diriku mengembalikan akal sehatku. Aku tidak bisa marah, teriak bisa, namun untuk apa?
Proses, ya, kata itulah yang aku pakai untuk menjelaskan semua ini. Proses di mana aspek supranatural berpartisipasi, proses di mana logika manusia tidak bisa menjelaskannya, proses yang melalui pemenuhan kebutuhan fisikku aku secara tidak sadar menjadi bagian didalamnya. Proses yang akan memunculkan, yang berdasarkan pengetahuan minimku tentang The Scripture, akhir yang indah. Teramat indah, sehingga ketika aku menoleh ke belakang aku bisa mengatakan "Semua rasa sakit itu berakhir dengan indah, semua kegelisahan itu mengarahkan ke akhir di mana 'segala sesuatu ada waktunya'."
Maka, aku pikir segala sesuatu ada waktunya. Saat ini adalah waktuku untuk diproses.

Where have you been?

I thought i knew all people around me, guess what? I did not.
I thought i can see well to people's eyes, guess what? i could not.
I thought i care enough for other people around me, guess what? i care not.
The last few days has been a catastrophic reminder for me, of how indifference and self centeredness can occupy my mind.
I lost my concentration on several things, i forgot things that are important to me, even i forgot my friends. I lost contact with some of my friends, and when someone mention them to me, i completely forgot their names. I can remember faces, but names are the idle things that missed my memory storage.
Again, there is a certain person that close to me for some time, i see her almost every day, but i didn't realize that she's pregnant until her pregnancy enter the 6th month, how stupid and mindless i've been.
Next, i join a committee for special event, it's true that i enter that committee in the middle of the process. Two days a go a person outside my committee scold me (in a very polite and calm way), of how unprofessional the committee has been. My pride hurt, my ego collided, but that person shed some light to my awareness. I've been a total just-wannabe-by-myself-doing-my own-thing person. I didn't care much for the progress of the event, and i've been clueless for the other committee members around me.
Last, but not least, last night i watched (for the second time) a Japanese movie titled Train Man. I simple movie about a cyber freak who falls in love with a steady woman, and almost lost her because of his coward self. The woman has to waken him up to realizes the importance of himself in other's eyes, especially hers. From that movie i learn that there is no perfect human in this round place we call earth. A person can be perfect only if that person surrounded by other person/people. It's no use to try so hard in achieving perfectness, just by our own effort, because perfectness in physical self can diminished with time. When we with someone else, we will be perfect because we care for that other person, and not just become a narcisstic-kind-of-a-person.
Hard ? yup! we tend to seek benefit from others, we tend to be close with someone who can give us something. But, i think it will not hurt my pride and self to put aside a bit of my ego and care for other more.
We'll see the progress...soon i hope.

What if...

Bagaimana bila aku tidak dilahirkan di keluargaku saat ini?
Bagaimana bila aku adalah orang keras kepala yang tidak mengakui keluarga?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak dilahirkan menjadi perempuan tapi laki2?
Bagaimana bila aku lebih menyukai perempuan daripada laki2?
Bagaimana bila aku punya ketakutan pada ketinggian dan manusia?
Bagaimana bila aku menjadi polisi dan bukannya pengajar?
Bagaimana bila aku lebih menyukai vanila daripada coklat?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak memiliki sahabat setia?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak menjadi sahabat setia?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak memiliki mimpi dan cita-cita?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak mengenal Tuhan?
Bagaimana bila aku tidak memiliki agama?
Bagaimana bila aku...bukan manusia?

Bagaimana bila ... aku berhenti bertanya 'what if..' dan bersyukur tentang aku saat ini.
Karena aku tidak ingin mengubah apapun juga.
Pain, anguish, fear, it's a part of life.
But, happiness, hope, joy, and love also part of life.
I have to pick with what i want to live my life.
Life is a struggle but also an adventure.
What if...

Gosh, it's a hot day

So Hot, dry, thirsty.
Wind, nothing exposed.
Sun, smiling without guilty.
Gosh, it's a hot day.
Yeah, it's been a while now that i felt extremely hot (in a weather kind of way). Not just at day time but also at night. One day i wake up in the morning and finding myself wet with sweat. I slept with fan point at my direction, but nothing positive happened (wind and cool air). I drank a lot of water but still in drought. I wore thin fabric clothes, but the sweat still running wild.
Gosh, it's a hot day.
I began to wonder whether the bear at north pole feeling the same? whether people in Siberia experiencing a day without fur clothes?or maybe the ice in north pole melting like crazy?
Is it global warming or a mere hot sunny season?
Is it me, who is whinning? or all Indonesian people felt the same?
Gosh, it's a hot day.

to be continued...

Out of Nowhere....

Lurking for something to ease my hangover.
Trully, last night shot was a waste of energy and consciousness.
Remembering nothing but bottles of imagination and desire. Remembering only about lights, starlights, moonlights, and colourful lights.
I have no clue about my whereabouts, i only remember about the smell. Light but poisoning, as if walking underground suburb, vapour of acid and old ruins of a town.
I scrub my head, to ease the pain, blood...red, thick, blood. I touched the liquid with tremendous horror. What's this?
Looked around, finding myself in a obscurity, dark, and alone. Walls, brick, dark and solid walls.
Pulling myself up, i noticed big scar on my knees. My trousers are completely torn apart in several places, my sleeves half torn and blackened with ashes or dust.
Where am i?
Holding the wall, i exercised my bleeding feet, i have to get up and get out. Now.
My eyes started to get used with the darkness, finally a bit of lights shone from the north side. Trampled and stumbled by the rocks inside the room, i fought to reach the light. Painful. Yes, trully painful. Agonizing and chocking.
The air was getting thicker with some fumes, bit like acid and cow's dung.
My chest was hurt and heavy, hard to breath...
The walls were cold and damp, covered with fungus and strange liquid. There were weird sounds echoed from behind my back. Having no intention of going back to the previous trap, i pushed myself forward.
Little bit more, i said to myself. The lights shone brighter and brighter. A bit of fresh air swayed my face. A fresh air, a bit of salty air.
I reach the end of the road. Bright light, clouds, birds. Finally.
But, i stopped.
You must be joking, i said. The trepidation elated me. My feet unable to hold my weight any longer. I fell to the ground. There were no way out. No such thing as a way out. The light fooled me.
The end of the road was the beginning of my doom. There is no other way. If i move forward, i will fall to the abyss, yes, vast, deep and rocky sea beneath me. If i return to the first spot, i will be killed, certainly. The frightening noise was heard again, closer and closer. My body was unable to move, i cried.
Help...help me.
The cracking sound...the frightening sound.

Help.....Help!!!!! My voice just echoed inside my head, nothing came out from my mouth. My whole body come to a halt. Can not move, can not breath. Am i dead? Suddenly....

"Here you go Mary. Your doll is good as new."
"Thank you Mr. Boddle. At least she will not move again."
"Yes, walking and talking doll is pretty scary. Bye bye Mary."
"Bye bye Mr. Boddle."

I realize who i am now.
I am not a human, not close to become a creature with flesh and blood.
I merely a porcelain- mix- plastic barbie wannabe.
I have a soul, captive in a solid immobile body, controlled by a string.
Fulfilling other being's desire toward me.
Can anyone hear me?
Hear my plea?
For freedom.....